Thursday, July 4, 2013

Spring Breakers: Quite Possibly The Worst Movie Ever

I've seen a lot of movies; some good, some not so good. But I don't think I've ever seen something so bad as the movie Spring Breakers with Selena Gomez and James Franco. Not only could the entire script be written on a bar napkin, the plot is about as thick and the acting is about as flimsy. James Franco's character is supposed to be a gangster who bails out the four main girls after they commit some crime that I already forgot about. Then he introduces himself and eventually takes them home, where his bed is full of stacks of cash and a wall full of weapons from nunchucks and shurikens to uzis and machetes. Somehow they come across Gucci Mane's character, another gangster in town who is apparently Franco's rival. Some things happen and some people die and the movie ends. I wont give away the ending, not because I don't want to spoil it for you because I hope nobody sees it after reading how bad it is. No I won't tell you the ending because I wasn't really paying attention and I already forgot what happens. Really. That's how bad this movie is.

The characters are horribly written and their dialouge is so forced that I don't believe anything they say. It's pretty bad when the non actors are better than the lead actors in the film. The background extras are more believable than the entire main cast. The only one who is remotely believable is the rapper Gucci Mane. Franco's character is the sterotypical whigger who is trying so hard to be black that it is just pathetic. He has a fake set of teeth with corn rows braided in his hair and he drives an older Camaro on floating rims with dollar signs on them. Yes, dollar signs on his rims.

But the movie doesn't stop there. No, that isn't even the worst part. After he shows him his bedroom with all the guns and other outrageous weapons, the girls take two pistols with silencers on them and puts them into Franco's mouth. Does he push them away, being the gangster that he is? No, he proceeds to deep throat the guns like they are, well you know. And he actually likes it. He takes two guns in the mouth and actually likes it!!! Yes this actually happens in the movie. I wouldn't believe it either, so here is a picture so you know I'm not making this up.

So if you want to watch a soft core porn with Selena Gomez and some other hot chicks that has absolutely no story and is almost unwatchable, this movie is for you. Don't forget to turn down the volume though. The music isn't bad, the soundtrack was made by the hit dubstep artist Skrillex and rapper Gucci Mane who plays Archie the rival gangster. But there isn't that much music and most of the time you are subjected to listening the ramblings of James Franco trying to act ghetto. Some how the ratings on the movie are above 0 stars. On Rotten Tomatos the movie got 65% and on IMDB it got 5.9/10. I don't know how anybody in the world could give this more than a 1. Maybe all the reviewers were deaf and just liked the hot chicks. Maybe the production company bribed every movie reviewer in the country. Or maybe they are just so dumb that they don't realize how fake and lame this movie really is. Whatever the reason, I am surprised. But then again I hardly ever agree with critics on movies. Although 5.9 is not a good score by any means it is about 5 points higher than I would have given it. If I haven't made myself clear enough: THIS MOVIE STINKS! DON'T GO SEE IT! I'd rather gargle with sulfuric acid than watch this abomination of a film.