Wednesday, April 10, 2013

Time Heals All Wounds... Or Does It? It Turns Out No, It Doesn't.

Exaclty 3 years ago today, my dad died. Right in front of my eyes and my mom and I held his hand, he took his last breath and then he moved on to the afterlife. It was the worst moment of the worst day of my life, either before that or since then. I was absolutely devastated, for weeks I would cry uncontrollably. After 3 years it is a little easier to talk about it, but I still get teary eyed whenever I think about him. I still get emotional whenever somebody talks about their dad, and I get super jealous when people have elderly parents who are still alive. I get furious when people take their parents for granted, when people talk bad about their parents or generally treat them bad. My dad was my best friend, my teacher, my mentor, and everything else. He taught me everything I know and all my good personality traits come from him. (Not the bad stuff I won't blame him for my craziness). He will forever be missed by me and my family.

A picture of my dad sporting his new UNLV hat on Christmas. I miss you Dad.

It was two days before his birthday, and a week before he was at home, happy and (mostly) healthy. Unfortunatly things can change faster than you can imagine. In less than a week my entire world crumbled in front of me. I went into a depression that caused me to become reliant on drugs and alcohol to kill a little bit of pain to make living bearable. I lost everything as a result of being depressed and having no motivation to do anything at all. I ended up losing my job, my house, and eventually everything else I had: my car, all my belongings, my friends, everything else that ever meant anything to me. But still nothing mattered and nothing could compare to the pain I felt when I lost the one thing that did matter to me, my father.

People say that time heals all wounds, that time will make everything better. Well it is a little easier now, I can talk about it briefly without bawling my eyes out. But no matter how much timke has passed, I will still miss him more than I could ever imagine. The wound will never heal completely. I will never be the same again. I just wish that I had the chance to tell him this. I wish that I could let him know how much he really meant to me. The last time I talked to him I made sure to say 'I Love You' to him but I thought he was going to be fine, that he would be out of the hospital in a few days and be back to normal after that. I know that he knew I loved him, that I cherished his company and spending time with him. But I'm not sure if he knew just how much he really meant to me and how much I loved him, that he was my best friend in the world and he was the person I could relate to most in the world. We spent tons of time together over the years, and for that I am grateful. I had more quality 'father & son' time in the 24 years that I was alive until he passed than most people spend with their dads in an entire lifetime. I went to work with him on the weekend and almost every day during the summer. When I got older we worked together on many great projects, spending a lot of time together over the years. I will cherish these memories forever, and I will always wish I could have told him just how much he meant to me. But in the end, while time does not heal all wounds, it does become a little easier to deal with. You never quite get over the pain, you just learn how to deal with it.

One good thing that has happened as a result of his death, and that is that our family has become closer since then, as we have started to realize how precious life is and how we need to show people how we truely feel about them. My mom and I are now closer than ever and although my brother has moved out of state we are now closer too. I also try to spend as much time with other family members and close friends now, too. I try to tell those that I love that I do in fact love them and how much they mean to me. I try to keep my good friends and not care about those who aren't truely friends. So take this as a lesson to spend more with your loved ones, let them know what they mean to you, how much you love them. Please tell your parents that you love them, because you never know when it might be the last time you ever speak to them.